I Don't Understand

Last week my husband and I were discussing being angry with God. I told him that I don't remember ever being angry with God, but that I often am confused about what God is doing in my life. I ask God what He is trying to teach me. I ask Him why things are happening. In frustration and through tears, I say "God, I don't understand!" So now, in a moment of relative calm in my life, I am contemplating what it means to understand. How do we understand who God is? How do we understand why He does what He does? How do we understand....The list goes on.

Proverbs 2:3-6 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
3 furthermore, if you call out to insight
and lift your voice to understanding,
4 if you seek it like silver
and search for it like hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and discover the knowledge of God.
6 For the Lord gives wisdom;
from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

Maybe I am on the right track when I tell God that I don't understand. Maybe it's okay that I cry and am frustrated and confused when I tell Him that I don't understand. Look back at these verses. phrase by phrase.

"...call out to insight..." When our children were 8 years old, 4 years old, and 6 months old, we took a vacation to a major city. The swimming pool of the hotel where we were staying was on the 6th floor. Our room was on the 8th floor. The elevator was right across the hallway from our door. After a long day of doing tourist type things, the kids were ready to cool off in the pool. We all got ready to go and started out the door when my husband remembered he had forgotten something and went back into the room. We instructed the children to wait, but the elevator door opened and the 4 year old walked in. The door closed. He pushed the only button low enough for him to reach, and down he went toward the basement. All the way down we could hear him screaming "Maaaa-maaaa....." All the way down to a place he didn't understand, he was crying out to me. My husband ran down each flight of stairs and checked each floor because we didn't know which button he had pushed. When he finally found him in the basement, a hotel employee was trying to calm him down. When he saw his daddy, he was okay. Even children know to call out when they are afraid or confused. God tells us to cry out to insight. When my son was calling out to me, I felt a tremendous compassion for him, and desire to rescue him and hold him in my arms. (Okay. What I felt was panic, but that doesn't make my point. God does not panic. He knows and understands all things.) When we call out to God to give us insight, He sees our dependence on Him and compassionately answers us.

"...lift your voice..." It's difficult to explain where we live, but our house and barn are on one side of the highway, and our cabin and storage buildings are on the other side of the road. Last summer my daughter, son, and daughter-in-law were here visiting. My husband went across the road to the storage building to look for a bolt of some sort. My daughter and I were sitting on the front porch. I heard what sounded like someone hollering (in case you don't speak Southern, that means loudly lifting your voice). We figured out it was my husband and I ran across the road toward the storage building. He had tripped and fallen into an antique cross-cut saw and cut his arm. The cut was long and deep. We ALL sprang into action. My daughter-in-law is a nurse. She began caring for him. My daughter's car was closest. She tossed her brother the keys. He is career Army so he has been trained to be calm in crisis situations, so he drove his dad to the emergency room. Even though my husband was quite a distance from the help he needed, he knew that if he lifted his voice, we would be there to help him. When we are hurt, and need God to give us understanding, and we lift our voices to Him, He will respond to our needs.

"...seek it like silver..." Around our house we spend a lot of time seeking for things. My glasses, my keys, an important document...Whatever we are looking for at the time seems to be of utmost importance, probably more valuable than silver at that particular moment. We search with a purpose, looking wherever we think the item might be. We ask "Have you seen my keys?" or whatever we can't find. When we are seeking understanding, we know that if we ask God, He will guide us. (On a side note: I admit that sometimes I blame one of the other family members for losing whatever it is, and am angry with them (not my glasses-I lose those all my myself). When things happen in our lives that we don't understand, we shouldn't be angry with God. He is blameless and works in all situations for our good. He is the only one who can give us understanding, so we should seek Him like silver.)

"...search for it like hidden treasure..." A few years ago we went to unique state park that allows people to search for diamonds and keep what they find. It wasn't at all what I expected. It looks very much like a field that has been plowed for crops to be planted. The soil is tilled up then people sift through the dirt looking for diamonds. Then it gets even more confusing to me. The diamonds don't look anything like the ones in the jewelry store. They look like rocks. You have to know what you are looking for, and I didn't. I may have overlooked valuable stones. We don't want to miss the understanding that God gives us because we don't recognize His treasure.

"...will understand the fear of the Lord..." Fear of the Lord means that we have a reverence for who He is. Some might mistakenly equate fear of the Lord with being scared by monsters, and other movie characters. That couldn't be further from the truth. Fear of the Lord results in worship, not fright. An understanding of the events in our lives that confuse us does not come to independently of understanding the nature of God. I certainly don't fully understand who God is, but there are important things about Him that I do know, even if I don't understand. I know He loves me. I know He is all powerful. I know He is all knowing. I know He wants what is best for me. I know He sees the bigger picture when I am focused on what is right in front of my face. I know I can trust Him completely. I know He is righteous. I know His judgements are right. I know He forgives when I confess my sins and repent. I know He is full of grace and mercy. Recognizing these facts gives me reverence for Him.

"...and discover the knowledge of God..." Trying to order hamburgers for my family in a drive thru is a nightmare. One wants mustard and catsup only, another wants only onions, lettuce, and mustard, another wants no mayo but everything else, one wants no tomatoes...To be honest when it comes to ordering hamburgers, I don't know my family very well. I have a difficult time remembering everyone's preferences. To really know someone involves minute details, not just general information. I can know they like hamburgers, but that isn't enough to say that I really know them. When we discover the knowledge of God, we know him personally and grasp the finer details of who He is. But look at the phrase again. We discover the knowledge of God. Making a discovery is a life changing event. When an explorer discovers a new landform, it changes millions of maps and gives greater understanding about geography. When a researcher discovers the cure for a disease, lives are saved. When someone rummages through the attic and finds information about his or her ancestors, that changes his or her perspective of identity. Discoveries change something. Discoveries also take effort. Lewis and Clark didn't discover all the things they did while sitting in St. Louis drinking tea. To discover the valuable knowledge of God, we call out, we lift our voices (we pray). We seek and search (we read and study the scriptures, seek godly counsel, listen to sound teaching.)

"For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding."

We pray, read and study, we listen, but none of that means anything unless God reveals. Only He has true wisdom, knowledge and understanding, and He is willing to give those to us.

Let me give a brief synopsis of this past year. My husband cut his arm, had diabetic ulcers that took long term treatment, was in a wreck that resulted in injuries that required surgery and kept him confined to the bed or recliner for 4 months. My daughter in law had cancer then developed lupus. My grandson was apparently hit by a car while riding his bicycle and had significant injuries. I have been working full time and taking post graduate classes.  You get the picture. There have been times when I didn't understand why things happened like they have. But God does, and He wants to tell me. He wants me to seek for understanding because He will answer me. He is the only one who can give true understanding.